I realized that I've really only been doing a weekly update on the development and formation of our little pumpkin, which quite honestly you don't have to read here. You can go to Baby Center, The Bump, or any other of the useful sites on the Internet that can give you the same information. Blogging is a very therapeutic tool and I really should do more of it.
As the weeks have gone by, my emotions and thoughts have gone through a variety of changes. I must admit that at first I was thoroughly excited and all I thought about was all the good stuff. That's not to say that I don't think about it now or look forward to our little baby, because I most definitely do. Ask anyone who knows me, all I talk about is the baby and Lisa, I listen to the heartbeat that I have recorded on my iPod, etc. I'm ecstatic about being a daddy, but after the initial excitement of those first few weeks, reality has set in and I'm starting to really face the truth about this pregnancy. I'm going to be a daddy. There's no changing it or putting it off, I'm on a course now that will forever change my life and I have to admit that it really scares me at times.
Even though I'm not personally going through all the physical changes that Lisa is, I too am facing some serious changes in my life. No longer is my wife just mine, I will forever have to share her with another human being. Granted, we still love each other deeply and that will never change, we enjoy a special relationship that no one else will ever have, but I still have to share her. My baby, whether boy or girl, will also share a very special relationship and connection with Lisa that I never will. She will likewise have a special connection with our child, something that I will never have. I won't carry the child through formation and birth, like Lisa (although I'm sure she would gladly give it to me if she could!).
I will no longer have the freedom that I once had, the freedom to go and do without thinking about it, being able to plan impromptu weekends away or date nights or the like. There will soon be another little life around that is completely dependent upon Lisa and I. We will never be as free as we were as a couple. We have to start thinking about babysitters, day care, schools, clubs, sports, family vacations, etc. We won't be able to just take off at a moment's notice, run out for late night ice cream, go to an afternoon double feature, etc. Our time is forever changed. As a bachelor I had a certain level of autonomy that disappeared to an extent when I got married and now as a couple that freedom has been hindered even more.
There is now another little life for which I am responsible. Every person has free will and is able to choose for themselves, but as the head of my home, spiritually and legally, I'm responsible for my wife and now my child. Her upbringing depends on me and my decisions. How she turns out is in part a consequence of how I act, what I say, what I teach, what I decide, where we go, etc. God is entrusting me with a life that I will have to account for. This beautiful little child that is growing in Lisa's womb is a lump of clay that God is placing upon my wheel for me to shape and mould. Will I be a good potter?
I get constant reassurance from Lisa and others about how I will be a wonderful daddy and a great father, but you still wonder about it. I want to be a man after God's own heart, a daddy patterned in the likeness of my Heavenly Daddy. I don't want to be a father, a dad, or another daddy in this world, but I want to be a great daddy, my child's hero and best friend. I want to be for my child what my dad was for me: someone who they can trust, who has the answers for everything, who can do anything, who can fix any problem, etc. I know I don't know everything and I definitely don't have all the answers, but I want to be a role model and hero for my pumpkin. But most of all, I want to be a mirror reflecting the glory of my Immortal Father and Daddy.
I don't know that I'll ever really end this war of emotional struggle between Peace and Panic. I know that for the rest of my life I will be on a never-ending journey of growth and development, striving daily to be the best daddy that I can be. I'm no longer living just for my God, striving to be a good man in His image. No longer just a man trying to be a great husband, demonstrating the deep love and compassion that I have for my wife, the greatest blessing God has given me outside of salvation. I am now on the journey of growth to be a great daddy, so that in my life my child may see the image of their Immortal Father. My development isn't for me or my wife, but now for my whole family.
I now wear multiple hats and my collection will only grow: man, pastor, missionary, husband, best-friend, confidant, daddy, source of wisdom, coach, encourager, provider, protector, monster slayer, ATM, mechanic, Encyclopedia, jungle gym, snuggle buddy, and the list goes on.
Am I ready for all this? Will I ever measure up to being a great daddy? Will my little pumpkin look up to me because she wants to? Or because she has to? Will she confide in me and come to me for advice? Can I really do this?
With God's help, I will do my best, to serve God, my wife, and my little ones, to reflect His glory in every decision and action, to share His story with my pumpkin. I will strive to make myself a better man, loving my wife more deeply, giving my child a proper view of what marriage is and should be. I will push myself to not settle for ok or average, but strive to be the best daddy a child could ever have. I will grow daily in wisdom and knowledge, as my God helps me, so that my child will turn to me for advice instead of the other influences in her life. I will reflect God for my family, showing His love, mercy, grace, wisdom, and compassion. As He enables me, I will be the best I can be and I won't work or fret about it.
Yeah, this battle will never really come to end and I'll always face the struggle for being the best I can be and wondering if I can really make it. I know now that maybe my dad didn't have all the answers or didn't know if he could do it, but he never let on otherwise. He trusted in God to help him be the best he can be and I'll follow that same path. I will be the best I can be because I serve the greatest Heavenly Daddy, who will help me. Thank you God for the blessing of life and for trusting me with this little beauty.
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