Day 13 - The fun continues....

It's been raining most of the last 24 hours, starting at about 2 am this morning. It's funny how at times the weather really can reflect the mood that one is in. Let me explain....

We awoke this morning rather optimistic because Lisa was going to be able to breast feed for the first time, a huge step in Kai's development, and we were ecstatic. We had to get up earlier than usual in order to be at the hospital by 9 am for his morning feeding. So, running a little late (we are in El Salvador after all), we headed off to the hospital anxious to see what awaited us.

When we arrived at the hospital they told us that he was going to continue on the feeding tube for another day. Apparently yesterday after we left, he acted tired and labored to breath some. They watched him because his levels dropped and they almost put the respirator tube back in, but he pulled back up. They said that they wanted to watch him today and see how he did before trying to introduce the breast. They said that he would get excited trying to feed and that could affect him, so they wanted to make sure he was good before progressing.

The doctor came out to talk to us about what was going on. He said that yesterday Kai's infection levels had increased. They have been monitoring his white cell levels daily, because that shows the existence of  an infection in the body, the higher the level the more infection. His levels had been lowering, but yesterday they went up to 35K cells in the morning, which sparked some concern. Instead of rushing to change things (because he was already on the best antibiotic), they waited to check his levels a little later. Later in the day the levels were around 32K, going down some. They suspected a fungal infection, which is common when you are on strong antibiotic for a length of time. Antibiotics kill off good bacteria too, which causes normally healthy fungi in the body to get out of control, resulting in infection. They started him on an anti-fungal treatment as well, on top of the antibiotic, and this morning his levels had returned to around 26-27K.

So, what does all this mean? Where are we now? Honestly, confused. The doc explained that it would still be a day or two on the CPAP and then from there he would move to the nursery, out of the NICU, which is good news; however, that wasn't all he had to say. It would be a few days in the nursery before he could go home, but they want him to finish his meds and make sure he is healthy before sending him home. They also want to make sure that he can feed on his own without tuckering out or anything. So, now what? Doc said that optimistically speaking (of course it all depends on the baby), we're looking at another week.

7 MORE DAYS? Welcome to parental hell, a place of frustration, anger, sadness, helplessness, exhaustion, etc. I'm growing tired of the same routine. 13 days of getting up, getting ready, going to the hospital for a little visit, and then spending the rest of my day trying to occupy myself until the next morning. I can't focus, can't really relax, rest, etc. because all my hope and sights are set on the as of yet ethereal discharge date. We rise each morning looking for good news and sometimes are rewarded with met expectations and other days met with a gentle slap in the face from "healing hands" of medical professionals. Their news isn't intended to harm, but to inform, and while I appreciate their honesty, I just want to hear "he's going home tomorrow."

We were both understandably hurt and saddened by the news today. Lisa went in to see Kai, broken-hearted at the news of delay. I curled up in the floor of the waiting area, alone, on the verge of either putting my hand through the nearest wall or sinking to the fetal position to weep like a child. Why God? Why the delay? What purpose can there be in keeping our child from us? You blessed us with this child, this miracle, but why do You keep him out of our grasp?

The doctor came out and talked to me, trying to console and encourage, but how can you honestly expect me to be happy about the news of further delay? The same happened with Lisa in the NICU, another doctor attempting to console. Just let me be upset! Let me cry! Let me scream! You don't understand! We live in an empty home, one we expected to be filled with laughter, giggles, and little fart sounds. Yet we sit in an empty home, void of the infantile noises for which we waited so long.

Head down, knees to my chest, I fumed. I don't understand any of this. I've seen open doors through what has happened, had the opportunity to touch lives, heard stories of lives touched because of Kai's story, but 13 days and I still have to go through more? What more could we possibly need to pass through? Isn't this enough? God, I don't see the purpose in such suffering and torment! And yet in that moment of quite hatred and bitterness, my attitude shifted, as if a switch had been flipped. Emotion redirected at the true source of all things evil, the arch nemesis of our souls, Satan. I walloped that filthy snake for about 10 minutes, lashing out in anger at the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. "Greater is He who is in me, than he that is the world." "No weapon formed against me shall prosper!" "We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We fight with weapons that are different than the weapons the world uses. Our weapons have power from God that can destroy the enemy's strong places. We destroy people's arguments and every proud thing that raises itself up against the knowledge of God." I'm sure he walked away from this morning with 2 black eyes, because "the Word of God is living and active, stronger than any double-edged sword, able to divide soul and spirit, joints and morrow."

I then immediately passed into a time of worship, singing out loud in praise to my God. Who cares who passed by or was sitting near, my voice needed to ring out in praise to my Creator, the One who gives life, who heals, who makes whole, who works miracles. Just as Paul and Silas sat in chains in a prison cell, locked away for the crime of sharing the Gospel, I sat in my own prison of anger and frustration. The stale air flooded their nostrils, the monotonous "drip, drip" of water ringing through the dank, murky depths of that prison, and in the middle of what should have been the depths of despair, two gravely, tone-deaf voices belted out praise to their God and Savior. In my quiet moment of suffering and despair, I allowed my spirit to connect with the Spirit of my Creator and I could do nothing more than worship Him. My voice raised, like those 2 voices 2,000 years ago, in the stale, sterile air of the NICU waiting room, my voice lifted in worship to my God. "I will praise the Lord, I will praise the Lord" "Hosanna, Hosanna" "In the Presence of Jehovah, God Almighty, Prince of Peace. Troubles vanish, hearts are mended, in the presence, of the King."

Immediately, like the bright rays of sun piercing the seemingly impenetrable wall of dark thunderheads, the joy and peace of God flooded my heart. I reaffirmed my confidence in the Savior of my soul, confirming my faith in His unfailing love and perfect plans. Whatever has happened has happened for a purpose. He does nothing by chance or for no reason, but in everything He works for the good of His perfect will. We are playing a vital role in His plan and this dark night will result in victory for my God. Every scar is a testimony, every dark night the promise of a brighter dawn. This time in my life will only serve to reflect and magnify the glory of God to the world.

"Be full of joy in the LORD always, I will say it again: Be full of joy in the LORD! Let every one see that you are gentle and kind. The LORD is coming soon. Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great that we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

We are not told that we will have an easy life serving God, but we are guaranteed of peace IN the midst of a storm. He doesn't always calm the storms, but at times calms us instead. These words from Paul remind us of the need to rejoice in all situations. We cannot be worried or anxious about life, stressing ourselves out over the situations that arise. We are not ultimately in control and to worry about something I don't control shows contempt for the One who does. Stress is the opposite of faith, attempting to exert power over something we are powerless to manage. A pastor friend of mine, Norm Dubois, mentioned this exact passage in a podcast sermon I listened to today. Vs. 6 speaks of not worrying and praying, with thanksgiving, and vs. 7 promises God's peace to us. Norm said, "You can't have verse 7 without doing verse 6."

We cannot expect the peace of God to flood our lives if we don't open the floodgates through thanksgiving and prayer. If we don't open that part of our heart to Him, giving Him the reins, we can't expect His peace. You don't get B without A. However, when we give Him thanks for who He is, laying our requests at His feet, He takes control, removes stress, and floods us with His peace.

Father, I thank you that YOU are the healer, the redeemer, the maker, the sustainer. You are the one who gave me this child, blessed us with this strong, warrior of a son. He is yours and we have dedicated him to Your service. Thank you that You are in control and everything is according to YOUR plan. We relinquish all stress and pain, giving you all anger, bitterness, sorrow, sadness, etc., asking you to work YOUR will in this situation. Have YOUR way. And we accept and receive that peace that we cannot understand to guard our hearts and minds. Amen!